I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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