She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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