I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
