I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
