Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
