He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
