worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
