hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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