We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
