On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
