it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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