he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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