i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
