So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
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in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
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I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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