I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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