so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
