when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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