The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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