Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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