Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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