I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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