My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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