..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I touched a dick in church today
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
