Yo dont text me then not text me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
