If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
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Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
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I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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