dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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