I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
