the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
