Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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