life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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