I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
