I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
