What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
