Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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