I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
