actually, I'm a sock model
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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