I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
