Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
