Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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