I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
