I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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