I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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