Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
