i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
