the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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