woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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