i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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