My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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