what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
