____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
