I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
