Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
