Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
