i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
should my penis look like a turkey
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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